‘Politics’ Archives
“Going Rogue” sells 500,000 copies, some read
DEATH VALLEY, Alaskan Sahara, Wednesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin, America's next Republican president, has sold half a million copies of her autobiography Going Rogue, some of which have apparently been opened and read. "The moment we got a prerelease copy," said Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press, "we cut the spine off and scanned it in [...]
Turnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership
MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the job. Mr Turnbull had angered many of his more conservative Liberal Party colleagues by such heresies as accepting the scientific view of [...]
European Union renamed “Greater Belgium”
BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe. "I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life," said Emperor Herman, "in appropriate moderation and with due attention to [...]
In full: The Queen’s Speech
My Lords and Members of the House of Commons: My government's overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A "default vote" option will be put into place such that anyone not showing [...]
Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists
SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to "smell" human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting "fear pheromones" in sweat. "The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear," said project leader Professor Tong Sun of [...]
Hitler apologises for MP analogy e-mail
DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any "upset" caused by a "clumsily" worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses. Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, [...]
Jan Moir says she was “set up” on Question Time
TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been "ethnically cleansed" of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night. "London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!" Ms Moir also [...]
Windows 7 released on Question Time to mass protests
TELEVISION OUTSKIRTS, Off-White City, Thursday (MSBBC) — Microsoft National Party leader Windows 7 has insisted it was "not Vista" during its first appearance on the BBC's Question Time. The political discussion programme was recorded as Macintosh and Linux campaigners protested outside Television Centre. The BBC maintained Windows 7 [...]
Carter-Ruck successfully preserves Trafigura’s online reputation
, Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, [...]
Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize
HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. "We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and [...]
