‘Politics’ Archives
Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US
DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters. Representatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which [...]
US builds “loving, caring” fortress in middle of London
COGS' HOME, Battersea, Thursday (NTN) — The United States has unveiled its new embassy in Britain, to impress visa-seekers with "the core beliefs of our democracy: isolationism, bureaucracy and deep, dark dungeons." "Our current embassy is fifty years old," said Ambassador Louis Susman, "and does not meet modern office needs and security [...]
Gordon Brown promotes policy-based vote-counting reforms
DAS BUNKER, London SW1A 0AA,, Tuesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown will promote a new voting system, in only slight desperation to hold onto the tattered remnants of power by any even vaguely plausible means. The new Alternative Vote system will involve votes for Labour being counted as Labour, votes for the Tories being counted as [...]
Manchester ID card trial huge success in Five Year Plan
THE WINTER PALACE, On The Skids, Wednesday (NTN) — The identity card trial in Manchester has announced "stunning success," with almost 1300 of the three million people in Greater Manchester having applied. Also, tractor production is up 500 per cent. The number works out to 43 applicants per day for the new identity card, guaranteed to be [...]
Terrorist threat level raised to “really strong tea”
KEEP CALM, And Carry On Panicking, Friday (NTN) — The Home Office has raised the terrorist threat level to "really strong tea." An attack is not expected, but the government just "felt like it." The Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (Jtac), a unit within MI5, had advised raising the threat level based on a broad range of factors, including [...]
Clinton: Internet freedom “vital” except for music downloaders
Remarks by US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton on the occasion of the massive hacker attack on US companies by an unspecified national entity. On Monday, a seven-year-old girl in Port-au-Prince was pulled from the rubble after they sent a text message calling for help. The spread of information networks is forming a new nervous system [...]
Home Office: UK borders database loss on time and on budget
THE MEMORY HOLE, Wythenshawe, Tuesday (NTN) — Half of all journeys in and out of the UK are now being centrally recorded by the £1.2 billion e-Borders scheme, with a major data breach scheduled for later this year. e-Borders aims to monitor every person going in or out of the United Kingdom by March 2014. The system is currently [...]
Cameron: “Love of the common people” better for families, cheaper for governments
THE WILD EAST END, From Hell, Monday (NTN) — Children benefit more from a close family than mere wealth, education or material security, said Eton-educated David Cameron to think tank Demos yesterday evening. "What matters most to a child’s life chances," said Mr Cameron, "is the warmth of their parenting. Research I'm not actually [...]
Cameron denies claims of Tory similarities to conservatives
BULLINGDON, Nothing Hill, Sunday (NTN) — David Cameron has rejected claims that there are few policy differences between the Conservative Party and conservatives. "We're all fluffy and nice now. Honest. Would this face lie to you? How about this one?" The Conservatives have been making friendly overtures to conservatives in recent months, [...]
Boris Johnson to become Sheriff of London
BULLINGDON, London SE1, Friday (NNN) — Boris Johnson is set to become the first Sheriff of London when the Conservatives are finally elected, any day now. The move follows his dashing rescue of a distressed maiden earlier this month. "The armour was a bit heavy. This kit's a lot lighter. I like the hat and the tin star." However, [...]
