‘Politics’ Archives
Brown distracts with Internet child safety watchdog
SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Monday (NNN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has hailed the launch of the UK Council for Child Internet Safety as a "path-breaking" new diversion designed to protect the most vulnerable members of society: "The politicians." He said, "The internet provides a world of entertainment, of opportunity and [...]
Identity cards introduced for those foreign Johnnies, not you
DEPARTMENT OF CONTRACTING, Pfi, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office today unveiled the new British identity card, to be issued to non-EU citizens in place of visas. "This is vitally important," said the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith. "LOOK! TERRORISTS!" The card bears the subject’s picture, name, date of birth, visa status, working status, [...]
Abi Titmuss marked as next Labour leader
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (NNN) — Abi Titmuss has been flagged as the hot prospect for leader of the Labour Party in the leadup to the Annual Conference. The party has searched for a suitable candidate who is actually ideologically distinguishable from any of New Labour. Ms Titmuss' cheeky grin and cheerful attitude are expected to resonate [...]
Nick Clegg promises Lib Dems hearts’ desires
THE FAERY CASTLE, Bournemouth, Wednesday (NNN) — Nick Clegg says the Liberal Democrats are on the way to power in his first conference speech as party leader. "I can't tell you every step on the road," he said, taking a hit from his crack pipe, "but I can tell you where we're headed: GOVERNMENT!" He said they were the only party with "big, [...]
Reiss: Science lessons should tackle Easter Bunny
DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Friday (NNN) — The Easter Bunny should be discussed in school science lessons rather than dismissed, says Professor Michael Reiss, director of education at the Royal Society and of infiltration at the Discovery Institute. "If pupils have strongly-held family beliefs about the Easter Bunny, such ideas should [...]
Disney’s “Babe” a huge heartland hit
VARIETY, Lack Of, Friday (N! News) — A tight Karl Rove script makes a hit of the Mouse's new dramedy Babe, a Fox co-production, helmed by Ron Howard and starring Britney Spears. It's done whammo box office in the Bible Belt in its first two weeks, despite a panning from Gotham critics. The fairy-tale pitch — a moose-shooting PTA [...]
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac taken over by Federal government
HORSETRADER'S, Beltway, Sunday (NNN) — The small-goverment Republican Presidential administration, whose fundamental economic belief is to allow the free market to reach solutions without official interference, has nationalized the giant Fannie Mae (FNM.PK) and Freddie Mac (FRE.PK) mortgage associations, placing them under the control of the [...]
Arctic ice melting heralds vast opportunities
NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NNN) — The Arctic Ocean is now largely clear of ice, heralding vast new business opportunities, President Sarah Palin announced today. The famed North-West Passage is now permanently navigable, with huge shipping volumes between Arctic nations. "We're considering just building a highway [...]
McCain: Leave Palin alone
CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Thursday (NNN) — John McCain has angrily condemned the media for questioning the way his running mate Sarah Palin's candidacy was vetted. "LEAVE SARAH ALONE!" Mr McCain cried, his eyeliner smearing. "How goshdarn dare anyone out there make fun of Sarah after all she has been through!" McCain pooh-poohed [...]
McCain picks George Bush as running mate
CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Friday (NNN) — John McCain, 72, has announced his Vice-Presidential candidate: George W. Bush. "We think George represents ... I'm sorry, it's not George. It's Sarah. And he's black! I'm sorry, he's female. Same thing." Bush, the governor of Alaska, is a former Miss Alaska, Vogue model and mayor of a suburb of [...]
