‘Politics’ Archives
Chuck Norris facts, updated
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's worrying about gay marriage.Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might [...]
Clegg bounces back with wizard new plans for House of Lords
PARLIAMENT OF SLIGHTLY BRUISED DREAMS, Westminster, Tuesday (NTN) — The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has followed up his spectacular success in the alternative vote referendum with exciting reforms for the House of Lords that no-one will care about either. The plan involves 300 members, 80% of whom are elected in a process [...]
US beheads hydra, saving world from terrorism
CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan. Mr Obama said it was "the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now." The hydra's head was buried at sea, to prevent the [...]
Birthers still unconvinced Obama white enough
KENYA, Indonesia, Wednesday (WorldNetDaily) — Barack Obama's alleged long-form birth certificate has been declared fraudulent by the noble and patriotic "Birther" movement, who claim firm evidence that the President is insufficiently white. "I've seen a few Photoshops in my time," said immigrant Birther and world's oldest emo kid Orly [...]
Ed Miliband threatens to tell Scotland’s mum on it
MILISECOND, Hollyshite, Thursday (NTN) — Labour leader Ed Miliband has warned that Labour is "heading for disaster" if Alex Salmond and the SNP continue their charge towards victory in next week’s elections. "The SNP will use a victory in Holyrood to press for Scottish independence, threaten the union, cause plagues of frogs and make [...]
Support for monarchy at all-time high with sunny eleven-day weekend
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, The Beach, Monday (NTN) — Support for the monarchy has increased over the last three days, with three quarters of people saying the Royal Wedding will cheer up the country, provided the weather holds out. "The Royal Family unites the country," said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. "Prince Wilberforce and [...]
Charity pays Tories not to breed
SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances. Their motto is "stop the problem before it happens." But the system raises fundamental questions about people's — and Tories' [...]
Labour leadership election: A message to voters
The battle over which New Labour apparatchik will lead a lame duck Labour Party to resounding defeat next election is in its death throes. The party regards it as being of utmost importance to elect a leader who will show as little sign as possible of varying from the widely popular and well-loved New Labour programme that every single voter in [...]
Tony Blair confesses to bore crimes
THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair's memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care. The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his "anguish" and "regret" at the millions who, having [...]
Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal
HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott's plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. "Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible." Mr Abbott's proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of [...]
