‘Politics’ Archives
Tony Blair confesses to bore crimes
THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair's memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care. The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his "anguish" and "regret" at the millions who, having [...]
Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal
HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott's plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. "Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible." Mr Abbott's proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of [...]
Zac Goldsmith calls for investigation of his parents
PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents' investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote 'ZAC WOZ ERE' in strawberry jam on the counter. Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting [...]
Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous
PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is. First-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate [...]
World ends with Torygeddon Lite
THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy. "Torygeddon Lite" opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap [...]
Wrong lizards get in
CHANNEL 4, Bravo To Zero, Thursday (NTN) — On this momentous day for British democracy, the prey of the nation have flocked to the slaughter pens in record numbers to do their bit to make sure the wrong lizards are put into power over them. "The new lizards are evil and malignant oppressors," said prey Deadmeat Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East [...]
Your super soaraway NewsTechnica cut-out-and-paste election guide!
Reasons to vote Conservative: Replacing public services with volunteers and churches is necessary to inspire a new Charles Dickens. Reasons to vote Labour: Top-down central planning of society works and is effective. Reasons to vote Liberal Democrat: Everyone is middle-class now, they just don't know it yet. Reasons to vote Green: Science [...]
Tories defend right of gay demons to vote Tory
THE MEMORY HOLE, Soho, Wednesday (Ponk News) — Controversial Conservative PPC Philippa Stroud has emphasised her belief in equality for the demons inside gay people. "Those demons are natural Tories and the backbone of our party." "In our Big Society™," said David Cameron, "the rights of hellish unholy ghouls will be respected just [...]
Scandal as politician tells truth
THE MEMORY HOLE, Wild Wild North, Wednesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught telling the truth in public today, in a horrifying breach of electoral etiquette that could shake people's faith in politicians to the core. The disgusting incident occurred while knocking on doors in Goosestep-on-the-Green, Rochdale, as, after [...]
Sky poll: Clegg’s mother is Hitler
INCOMING, Whopping, Thursday (NTN) — A YouGov poll has revealed that Dave Cameron won tonight's leaders' debate with 62% of the vote. A followup poll demonstrated flying pigs and Peter Mandelson voters. YouGov is noted for its scrupulous fairness and lack of Tory backers. "We felt it was right to highlight voters' concerns about Clegg's [...]
