‘Media’ Archives
Guardian falls to “BeautifulPeople” virus
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — They were built for the publication of "actual news content," where editors ruthlessly excluded churnalised press releases. But today a brain virus attacked and a hideous wave of bollocks flooded newspapers already losing a fortune. The virus was quickly named "BeautifulPeople.com" — after the [...]
Coffee cure found for Daily Mail readership
Scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm have discovered that five cups of coffee a day can halve the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women, and have recommended the practice to the Daily Mail. The study notes that the article the Mail ran was the usual fill-in-the-blanks cancer article, but that subscriptions were [...]
Sex and coffee make strokes “the new cancer”
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Friday (NTN) — New results showing strokes could be caused by coffee, sex or blowing your nose were hailed by the tabloid media as the "new cancer." The study on 250 patients identified eight risk factors linked to bleeding on the brain: sex, coffee, nose-blowing, Nick Clegg, Tories, mind-buggering stupidity, the [...]
“Free books for everyone,” advertise publishers
KINDLING, The Amazon, Monday (NTN) — Internet eBook piracy is a "colossal" problem, the Publishers Association warned last night, thus alerting every Metro reader they never needed pay for a book again, having spent the last few years getting thoroughly used to having all their music and movies for free. The own-goal of giving superlative [...]
Newspaper website “troll” punished
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An "internet troll" who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail. The Mail "preyed on bereaved families" for its "own pleasure", the Press Complaints Council heard. The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. [...]
Journalist pretending to be non-despicable decent human thrown under train
DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days. The incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. [...]
Computers turn children into Satan
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (NTN) — Children spending at least two hours a day in front of a computer monitor have been scientifically proven to turn into rapacious hellspawn, say all newspapers today. Changing visual information, as opposed to safe and reliable newsprint, has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance [...]
Terry Jones burns Times paywall at Ground Zero
DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon. Jones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of [...]
Journalists back to core competencies as house prices do something
HIGH SOCIETY, Skid Row, Friday (NTN) — British house prices are set to go up, go down or possibly stay the same, according to relieved Daily Mail journalists looking for something to fill space with. A quarterly survey of 27 analysts showed house prices would probably do something that could be turned into copy, with editors dusting off [...]
Times prepares to shake off parasites
DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Times has previewed its new paywall system, to keep readers, search engines and other criminals from using it to download cars, to the sound of champagne corks popping at the Guardian, Telegraph and BBC. The newspaper will now require payment of £1 a day for its unique and [...]
