‘Health’ Archives
Branson takes over NHS
MEDICAL MEGASTORE, Oxford Street, Monday (NNN) — Sir Richard Branson has accused politicians of "tinkering" with infection control in hospitals. "If our airlines had that kind of track record we'd be grounded. So we need to apply the Virgin Atlantic and VirginBlue model to the NHS. We've also our experience with Virgin Trains and bringing [...]
British business doomed as working week cut to 48 hours
DOWN T' PIT, London EC1, Wednesday (NNN) — Business leaders were unanimous in their protest against the European Parliament vote to scrap the UK's opt-out from the Working Time Directive. "Workers should be free to work any seventy hours they choose. There is of course no element of coercion whatsoever in any workplace we could find, and [...]
Celebrity diets can cause memory loss
GOLDACRE, Slimmer's World, Saturday (NotScientist) — Atkins-style low-carbohydrate diets can cause memory problems after only one week, researchers have found. "That's ridiculous," said Cheryl Cole, a devotee of the diet. "That'd make yer stupid, ennit." Weight loss is a perennial issue in a society of abundance. One in four children [...]
Terrorist computer virus infects hospitals
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Farringdon Road, Wednesday (NNN) — A terrorist attack on the NHS has brought three London hospitals to a halt. The terrorists, representing an organisation calling itself "Microsoft," apparently used insecure third-party contractors to put a virus-running platform called "Windows" into critical systems in the hospitals, [...]
Doctor admits he is “a terrorist”
FACEFUL O' HEID, Glasgae Airport, Monday (NNN) — A doctor accused of driving a policy framework laden with PFI contracts and incendiary management performance bonuses into an already beleaguered National Health Service has admitted his deliberate intent to cause terror and demoralise the British populace. But he told a jury he never wanted [...]
Television essential to mental well-being
CHANNEL 5, Wapping, Friday (NNN) — New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is "virtually a mental vitamin" for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you [...]
Pregnant women encouraged to drink up this month
2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping [...]
Science reveals evolutionary origins of gender stereotypes
WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Morning Commuter Time (NNN) — British scientists have uncovered why little girls like pink toys. "Women are hardwired to like pink," says Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro, "because their cavewoman foremothers spent their days gathering red leaves and berries amongst the trees." Later, women needed [...]
Reward scheme for pregnant smokers to quit
PARK HOSPITAL, Bevan, Thursday (NNN) — Mothers-to-be are to be offered gift vouchers and beauty treatments to encourage them to give up smoking, the NHS has announced. "Simply highlighting the dangers of smoking in pregnancy is not always enough," said Help 2 Quit director Kevin Lewis. "In one focus group of pregnant smokers, 13 out of 15 [...]
Cigarette packets to feature pictures of Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — In a bid to "scare smokers straight," cigarette packets will warn of the terrible consequences of smoking by featuring pictures of famous long-term cigarette addicts, such as the blackened teeth, rotting lungs, ashtray odour and star quality of such sad and benighted specimens as Keith [...]
