‘Health’ Archives
Sceptics defeat homeopathy with homeopathic homeopathy
CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Surrey, Monday (NotScientist) — In a revolution for the forces of allopathic hatred and the negation of human spiritual potential, a strike force of rogue sceptics has, using the funding of their pharmaceutical death-dealer masters, negated homeopathy with the proving of a new remedy: homeopathic homeopathy. The [...]
Human anatomy remains mystery to MPs
RATCHED, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — In a survey of over 600 people working in Westminster, less than half were able to locate their heart on a diagram, less than one third could distinguish the gluteal muscle from the joint in their arm and many could not locate their own posterior under any circumstances. The researchers said they found [...]
Hospital worker in crucifix row
GALILEE-ON-SEVERN, Gloucester, Friday (NNN) — A worker at Gloucester Royal Hospital risks losing her job over wearing a crucifix at work. Phlebotomist Helen Slatter was told the cross "could harbour infection," spread disease or even be used as a weapon. Ms Slatter said the crucifix, which is twelve feet high and weighs 150 pounds, was too [...]
MP hypnotised into losing bloat
WHIRLING KNIVES, The Black Hole of Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — An MP lost four full in-trays of dubious expenses after he was hypnotised into believing that he had a gastric band fitted, it has been claimed. "I have tried every other diet and exercise plan the world has to offer," said Michael Martin, until recently Speaker of the House. [...]
Convenient database of all children launched
CLIMBIÉ, Hackney, Tuesday (NNN) — ContactPoint, a detailed database of all 11 million children under 18 in England, has become available to childcare professionals for the first time and definitely not to anyone else. The government says it will enable more co-ordinated services for children and ensure none slips through the net. [...]
Food Standards Agency makes everything taste worse again
THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA, They Sent It Back Too, Monday (NNN) — The Food Standards Agency has announced new mandatory voluntary targets for food manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in bread, bacon, breakfast cereals and soup by 2012. The FSA says reducing daily salt intake to 6 grams from the present 8.6 grams could prevent [...]
Bacon: the viral killer
OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Mexico, Friday (NNN) — A new strain of swine flu, H1N1, has killed up to 60 people in Mexico. The virus is a mixture of swine, bird, human and computer viruses. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, lack of appetite, popup ads, coughing, sore throat, a slow connection and an urge to throw one's computer out of a high [...]
Disabled post to Twitter using the power of the body
TWATTER, Arsebook, Tuesday (NotScientist) — A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "We originally hooked it to the brain," said Wilson, "but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we've just gone [...]
Cancer risks not changing habits
GIRLS GONE BALD, Debbie Does Dialysis, Monday (NNN) — Two thirds of people have not changed their diet or lifestyle to reduce the risk of cancer, a Newsnight poll has found. One cancer expert said new ways were needed to convey health messages. "Fifteen percent 'hardly ever think about' cancer," said Professor Karol Sikora of Cancer [...]
Depressing jobs found to be depressing
INHUMAN RESOURCES, Work Harder Not Smarter, Thursday (NNN) — Employees with difficult colleagues and a poor working atmosphere were 60 per cent more likely to be depressed, and 50 per cent more likely to use antidepressants, says Dr Marjo Sinokki of the Finnish Institute of the Bleeding Obvious. Business was quick to protest that the right [...]
