‘Health’ Archives
Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress
VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures. Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and [...]
New warning on “perfect vaginas”
THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors. "There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure," say researchers [...]
Scientists surprised to find men attracted to women with big tits
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover. Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail [...]
Julie Bindel: Trannies nicked my paper on the Tube
DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don't offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn't my own. Trannies keep nicking my [...]
Drugs chairman controversially states the bleeding obvious
EAT Y'SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government's chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy. "Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and [...]
Carter-Ruck successfully preserves Trafigura’s online reputation
, Wikileaks, Tuesday (NNN) — Carter-Ruck and Associates, the finest libel lawyers in the world, have successfully protected the good reputation of oil and toxic waste company Trafigura by obtaining an injunction preventing the Guardian from reporting the fact of a Parliamentary question on Trafigura dumping toxic waste off the Ivory Coast, [...]
Daily Mail suspends complete bollocks injections after reader dies of stupidity
DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail. Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail's campaign against cervical cancer vaccines [...]
Plastic surgeons warn against not giving them money
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions. "Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than [...]
Women unable to keep a secret, particularly when pissed
WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title "researcher" have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their "research," that women — all women — are overcome by a burning desire to share [...]
Biotech stocks plummet in wake of public health policies that favor humans
OVER 60 MILLION GOT SERVED, Just Over The Border, Wednesday (NNN) — Biotechnology companies banking on a severe swine flu pandemic were shocked this week when US health officials approved four H1N1 vaccines, triggering a selloff in the sector. "This is outrageous fiscal irresponsibility from the Democrat Party," said analyst Brian Adams. "A [...]
