‘Health’ Archives
Working for a living against religion, says pharmacist
PAY GRADE, Jobsworth, Monday (NTN) — A Lloyd's pharmacist has complained of being expected to fill prescriptions brought in by paying customers, as actually working at work is against her spiritual beliefs. The pharmacist, Brenda Busybody, 53 (IQ), of East Cheam, is a Bri-Tish, a group who believe that members should show up at places of [...]
Daily Mail causes, cures cancer
GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Thursday (NTN) — Taking the Daily Mail once a day, one million times the dose recommended by sensible physicians, will both induce and clear up cancer, a groundbreaking study by the Press Complaints Council has shown. The latest dramatic results came from a 30-year project tracking the health of 2.2 million [...]
Scotland to make cigarettes way cooler and sexier
MARLBOROSPOTTING, Leith Central Station, Thursday (NTN) — The Scottish Parliament has passed tough new tobacco laws that will make Scotland a world leader in smoking as forbidden pleasurable temptation. The Bill bans shops from displaying tobacco products, outlaws cigarette vending machines and introduces a registration system for tobacco [...]
Britain’s first iPhone baby is born
TEMPLE OF STEVE, Click My Button, Monday (NTN) — A woman who was considering IVF treatment has given birth to a baby girl after using an iPhone application to become pregnant. "Yes, there's an app for that too. We're calling her Steve." After four years, Lena Bryce and her husband Dudley had nearly given up hope of having children, until [...]
Now they’re after our butter
FAT CITY, Formerly Pork, Sunday (NTN) — Panic buying and butter riots gripped the nation's dairy cabinets after a proposal by heart surgeon Shyam Kolvekar to ban butter for the sake of public health. "I realise he's probably quite disgusted with having to plunger greasy geysers of chunky lard out of the arteries of bloblike creatures that [...]
Historic “change nothing” health care bill passes
WHAT'S ON THE SLAB, Down In The Lab, Thursday (NTN) — The US Senate has approved landmark legislation that will change nothing about healthcare for tens of millions of uninsured Americans and, of course, the insurance companies. With the Great Recession, millions of Americans out of work means less insured. The bill ensures that insurance [...]
Microsoft Word recalled due to contamination
CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world. Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that "four out of five CEOs prefer [...]
Donaldson declares “brave new world” of spare parts
OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Monday (NTNHS) — Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson has called for a "presumed consent" organ donation system, where anyone violating any NHS guideline is presumed ready to be rendered down for bits. Over eight thousand people are on the NHS waiting list. "Resolving the organ system and declaring the [...]
Household chemicals stealing boys’ manliness
STRAIGHT'S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world. Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the [...]
Dating site matches people through E. coli tests
KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole. "How many dating services can [...]
