‘Europe’ Archives
Vatican to build power plant running on guilt
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The Vatican intends to build the biggest renewable energy plant in Europe, running solely on guilt. "Now is the time to strike," said Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, governor of Vatican City. "The financial crisis has unleashed huge and renewable sources of guilt, which in the long run will reap incomparable [...]
Internet providers start storing user data
FOURTH CHANNEL, textfiles.com, Sunday (NNN) — Logs of email, web usage and Internet phone calls will be stored by Internet service providers from Monday, per EU directive. The Home Office said it was the UK Government's priority to "protect public safety and national security and, of course, our own jobs. Think of the children! The records [...]
Credit crisis caused by “blue people with white eyes”
BIG BLUE DONG, Mars, thirty-five minutes ago (NNN) — Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, president of Brazil, said the global financial crisis was caused by "blue people with white eyes." He made the remark after the nuclear annihilation of major financial centres around the globe by people who thought they were glowing superhumans made of pure [...]
WEF moots Cthulhu-led recovery
The World Economic Forum in Davos is discussing a Cthulhu-led financial recovery. "Britain is uniquely placed to lead this effort," said Gordon Brown, "with the horrifying necessities being explained to the public by such televisual works as In The Night Garden. Adults will be driven to spend more time at work to get away from the mind-twisting [...]
Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry: ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them
THE ONLY PLACE TO BE, The Happening Place, Saturday (NNN) — Karl Lagerfeld, CEO of Chanel, said it was "childish" to even discuss the issue of wearing fur in a world where eating meat was normal. "Hunters kill those beasts who would kill us if they could. Mink are the least of it. Badgers, mushrooms, snakes ... their malice is famed." He [...]
British business doomed as working week cut to 48 hours
DOWN T' PIT, London EC1, Wednesday (NNN) — Business leaders were unanimous in their protest against the European Parliament vote to scrap the UK's opt-out from the Working Time Directive. "Workers should be free to work any seventy hours they choose. There is of course no element of coercion whatsoever in any workplace we could find, and [...]
“Baader-Meinhof” blows apart box-office records
TINSELTOWN IN THE RAIN, Of Bits Of Bodies, Saturday (N! News) — Disney surfs the wave of terrorist-themed films, following Hunger and Bullet In The Head with its entry for the kids, Baader-Meinhof™: Socialist Squat Musical™. Based on Dr Alex Comfort's The Joy of Terrorism, the plot starts with Andreas Baader (Zac Efron) and [...]
Brown: No compromise on Icelandic terrorism
ALÞING, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — President Gordon W. Brown has declared there will be "no compromise" on Icelandic terrorist attacks on British money. Icelandic terrorism has brought the City to its knees. London transport and council rubbish collection has stopped because of the Icelanders having all their money. Police response [...]
Pope raps on global financial crisis
VATICAN RAG, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The global financial crisis is proof that the pursuit of money and success is pointless, Pope Benedict XVI has told the Twelfth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops in Rome. "Those who seek success, career or money are building on sand. They should look instead to the Church and build on the [...]
Peter Mandelson returns from the undead
THE TOMBS, Downing Street, Friday (NNN) — Gordon Brown today explained his astonishing decision to bring his bitter rival Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet as business secretary: "My God, I am so completely fucked, even Mandy looks a good idea." Baron Mandelson, 679, of Transylvania, smiled for the cameras, only having to reconstitute [...]
