‘Europe’ Archives
Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist
HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church and cause people to leave. "I'm profoundly sorry I couldn't just pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice," said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. [...]
Brown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes
ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland's terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists' air tickets. The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the [...]
Nokia frees Symbian code, three or four overjoyed
HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Thursday (Big K) — Nokia, through the Symbian Foundation, has made the code for the Symbian smartphone OS open source, putting several aging geeks in raptures of delight. "The Symbian OS will delight those of us who fondly remember EPOC on the Psion NetBook," said Larry Berkin, Symbian's head of global [...]
Successor to MP3 does less, worse, at higher price
KOMPUTERWELT, Trans Europe Excess, Monday (NTN) — Karlheinz Brandenburg, the 1990 inventor of MP3, has come up with its successor format, MusicDNA, which is the same except it doesn't work because of DRM. The MusicDNA format will see not just songs, but lyrics, video, artwork, weblogs and a whacking pile of DRM in all your music. "Not [...]
Neanderthals “died of makeup”
ANSWERS IN REVELATION, Bob Jones University, Sunday (NTN) — American Conservative archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Neanderthals wore makeup and jewelry, directly leading to their moral decline and eventual extinction. Researchers say the discovery proves the human subspecies were not the "halfwits" people assume, and were in [...]
Polanski thanks supporters of drug rape as extradition wait continues
HUMBERT, Switzerland, Friday (NTN) — Roman Polanski has thanked creepy rape apologists worldwide in his battle to avoid extradition to the US for the artistically necessary 1977 drug rape of a 13-year-old girl. "Messages have come from supporters of drugging children and fucking them from across the world," the Oscar-winning rapist wrote [...]
Holy See declares “unique copyright” on priestly molestations
DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a "special and unique" copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person. "Recent years have witnessed a great increase of [...]
Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday. The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so [...]
European Union renamed “Greater Belgium”
BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe. "I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life," said Emperor Herman, "in appropriate moderation and with due attention to [...]
Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress
VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures. Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and [...]
