‘Entertainment’ Archives
Mandelson fights back Internet pirate hordes
THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented. Lord Carter, the report's author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for [...]
Disney to film Diary of Anne Frank
BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet. Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. "Love the story, [...]
Dannii Minogue quits Botox in favour of 240 volts
BRITAIN'S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles. Her decision comes [...]
“Birthers” probe Obama’s alleged robotic ancestry
WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama's place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy. "The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama's mother and grandmother so [...]
Jordan gets her end in
OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Sunday (News of the Screws) — Katie "Jordan" Price took HUNKY television cage fighter Alex Reid back to her hotel suite for a night of WILD SEX, according to a press release issued last night, hours after her previous press release denying they were together. According to the attached script, the [...]
Michael Jackson “news value missing” at autopsy
CHILLER, Off The Perch Saturday (N! News) — Michael Jackson's news value was missing at his autopsy, it was claimed last night. The front pages of all newspapers today showed a hole where an actual news story should have been. A witness claimed to have seen Jackson's news story on an editor's desk, saying: "The prosthesis the journalists [...]
Microsoft announces handheld XBox
TURN 360 DEGREES, And Moonwalk Away, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has announced its long-rumoured handheld XBox gaming console, to compete with the Sony PSP and Nintendo DS. "The GameBoy will be wiped out by this!" said marketing marketer Shane Kim. The console, to be named the ZuneX ("we wanted a really evocative brand that would set the [...]
Emma Watson in black leather “most important news in world”
LECHER SQUARE, City of Sodomy, Thursday (N! News) — Emma Watson sadly avoided another wardrobe malfunction at the New York premiere of the latest Harry Potter movie, swapping her floaty evening gown for black leather. She caused head explosions in approximately a zillion smelly nerds when they heard she was wearing a black leather [...]
Palin: I can replace Jackson in your hearts
STAPLES CENTER, Wasilla, Tuesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin has revealed what compelled her to quit as governor of Alaska at no notice: the media weirdness deficit with Michael Jackson gone. "When the going gets tough," said Mrs Palin in an impromptu speech this afternoon, "the winners get quitting! Life is about choices! It's time to bring [...]
Michael Jackson dies, apparently
OFF THE PERCH, Thriller, History (N! News) — The entire Internet melted last night as Michael Jackson wreaked celebrity revenge upon it, with Wikipedia, LiveJournal, Facebook and Twitter giving "service unavailable" errors and NewsTechnica getting another page hit. Mr Jackson also got his own back on the media, with TMZ getting the scoop on [...]
