‘Entertainment’ Archives
Cheryl Cole’s supervillain lair refused planning permission
EX FACTOR, Smersh, Tuesday (N! News) — Pop android Cheryl Cole has lost her fight to build a secret underground swimming pool in her supervillain's lair high in the craggy mountains of Guildford, despite claiming "spies in the sky" would try to snap her in her bikini if she had an outdoor pool. Mrs Cole claimed she was too famous to [...]
X Factor Top 10: All you need to know about any of them
X Factor contestants are grown in vats in a factory in south Wales, using repurposed equipment from the Australian soap opera factories of the 1980s. The replicants are programmed with a fictional past that always involves a dead parent. In six seasons, no-one involved has yet bothered writing a second fictional past. Their rudimentary brains [...]
Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents' welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher's new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent. "It's vitally important," said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children's broadcasting, "that I use the full range of my ability as an [...]
Lily Allen fights for “three strikes” proposal
ABBEY NORMAL, London Lite, Wednesday (N! News) — Major British recording artists will meet to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen "three strikes" proposal to cut off filesharers. Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out [...]
London gay tourist bureau opening
SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (NNN) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for "Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class") tourist needs will be opening later this year. The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground floor of the bar in question. "All people of all [...]
Dan Brown cries self to sleep on huge bed made of money
PRIORY OF SION, All The Way To The Bank, Friday (NNN) — International best-seling author Dan Brown is in tears over the critical reception to his latest book, The Last Symbol. "Renowned author Dan Vinci staggered through the pile of reviews," said Mr Brown, snapping his fingers to signal one of his several oiled and naked houseboys to [...]
Jordan drunk-texts her old shag
OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her "farytaele" in one message and that "I <3 ur pblicty & wnt 1 mr chnce" in another. A third message [...]
Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack
DRAGON'S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter. "Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a [...]
BBFC refuses classification for Japanese horror film “Grotesque”
WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes. BBFC director David Cooke said it presented "little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. [...]
Sony unveils less huge PlayStation 3
GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, in the hope that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists. The new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with [...]
