‘Entertainment’ Archives
James Blunt tops decade charts, pop declared dead
PUBLIC ENEMA, The Hit Parade, Thursday (N! News) — James Blunt's Back To Bedlam was the UK's biggest-selling album of the 2000s, objectively establishing the final death of pop music after fifty years. The 2000s were the decade of falling record sales, plummeting profits for the six five four major labels, a number one single requiring [...]
Big Brother 11 to feature surplus Endemol executives
COCODAMOL, Channel 4, Saturday (N! News) — After Big Brother producers targeted amputee soldiers, the Army Benevolent Fund has made a counter-proposal to lock Endemol executives up together under the watchful eye. The plan will see suitably respected upper management, voted in by their employees, placed together in the house with a [...]
Lily Allen quits “talking complete bollocks”
WHAT HO BLUD, Ldn, Tuesday (N! News) — Lily Allen has renounced Facebook, Twitter, pontificating or considering herself as having anything to say worth hearing in a bid to gain "a life." Once one of the music world's most prolific shite-babblers and patron saint of the nightsoil cart industry, the 24-year old mockney mock-rapper bravely [...]
Sony BMG beats Sony BMG to Christmas number one
SOHO SQUARE, Hammersmith, Sunday (Columbia) — Following one of the biggest battles in the history of the UK Singles Chart, Sony BMG have beaten Sony BMG to achieve the UK's official Christmas number one. Artists signed to the label have taken the festive top spot for four years in a row. A Facebook campaign backing the record company [...]
Jordan eats kangaroo’s anus
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity celebrity Katie "Jordan" Price has fulfilled her contractual obligations on I'm A Celebrity For God's Sake Kill Me Now by eating a kangaroo's anus. The star was placed through a series of humiliating trials by popular audience vote in which she was covered in cockroaches, had to count to ten [...]
Amy Winehouse hospitalised after allergic reaction to sobriety
THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels. "Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold," said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks [...]
Miss England sent off field due to injury
SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24. Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood and a suitable role-model for [...]
Robbie Williams comes crawling back to Take That
TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water. "Williams? I vaguely recall the name," said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. "First [...]
“Three strikes” to ensure security of all private communications
GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the "three strikes" plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications. "Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing [...]
Jan Moir says she was “set up” on Question Time
TWITTER CENTRE, Whiter-than-White City, Friday (NNN) — Jan Moir today claimed London had been "ethnically cleansed" of heterosexual people after her appearance on Twitter Question Time last night. "London is no longer a city my grandparents would recognise. It is changed beyond all recognition. Pooftahs from end to end!" Ms Moir also [...]
