‘Entertainment’ Archives
Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave
FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA. The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be "ecstasy," allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to "open up [...]
Amy Winehouse to branch out into music
BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today. "I've always felt a musical urge," she said today, "humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It's gunna have these 'songs' [...]
Mark Owen of Take That gets drunk and laid a lot
TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — Take That star Mark Owen last night sensationally confessed to having been caught by The Sun shagging his dick off and getting stupendously pissed in the process. The "squeaky clean" multi-millionaire singer opened his heart to his tabloid blackmailers in a bid to wipe the slate clean and [...]
BBC Trust happy to leave Mark Thompson twisting in the wind
WREATH NETWORK, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (MSBBC) — BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons has said "public concern" over 6 Music and the Asian Network may give the Trust a golden opportunity to throw director general Mark Thompson under a bus. Plans to close the stations, available via download, DAB Radio, tooth fillings, necromancy [...]
PlayStation 3 trounces Xbox 360 for reliability
GUTEN TAG, Wii Geht's, Monday (NTN) — Sony has proudly announced a Playstation 3™ Holiday™, where all users are advised to go outside and play in the sunshine. "Have some fun! Talk to a human! Party like it's December 31st, 1999! Amazing 3D rendering!" The company had long battled in public perception with Microsoft's Xbox 360 [...]
Derby commuter hell named after Lara Croft
SOFT SQUARE, Suburban Bedroom, Friday (NTN) — An impossibly uninteresting stretch of ring road in Derby is to be named after a 3D computer animation with ludicrously-rendered breasts. The new stretch from Osmaston Road to Burton Road will be named after the aristocrat and archaeologist Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, who Toby Gard of Core [...]
AFACT v iiNet: Statement in full from the losing party
TIN PAN VALLEY, The Matrix, Wednesday (N! News) — Film companies today expressed their disappointment that the Federal Court found that iiNet was not using orbital mind control lasers to encourage copyright infringements by its customers on its network. Despite findings of copyright infringement by iiNet customers, pirate flags in their [...]
Successor to MP3 does less, worse, at higher price
KOMPUTERWELT, Trans Europe Excess, Monday (NTN) — Karlheinz Brandenburg, the 1990 inventor of MP3, has come up with its successor format, MusicDNA, which is the same except it doesn't work because of DRM. The MusicDNA format will see not just songs, but lyrics, video, artwork, weblogs and a whacking pile of DRM in all your music. "Not [...]
Britain: 5,394 arrested in Internet song crackdown
WHITEHALL, Beijing, Friday (NTN) — British police arrested thousands in the Digital Britain drive against Internet file sharing throughout 2009, which critics say is being used to tighten overall censorship. The British government has run a highly publicized campaign, "Digital Britain," against sharing of Lily Allen songs, which were [...]
Polanski thanks supporters of drug rape as extradition wait continues
HUMBERT, Switzerland, Friday (NTN) — Roman Polanski has thanked creepy rape apologists worldwide in his battle to avoid extradition to the US for the artistically necessary 1977 drug rape of a 13-year-old girl. "Messages have come from supporters of drugging children and fucking them from across the world," the Oscar-winning rapist wrote [...]
