‘Education’ Archives
Txt msgs hlp imprv chldrns rdng ablty
METRO RESEARCH DEPARTMENT, Carphone Whorehouse Beacon Academy (NTN) — Sending text messages and using txt-spk abbreviations can indicate successful development of reading and writing ability, a stdy hs rvld. The study, crried out on a group of 8-12 year-olds over an academic yr, found that older children usd more txtspk. Phonological [...]
Cameron: “Love of the common people” better for families, cheaper for governments
THE WILD EAST END, From Hell, Monday (NTN) — Children benefit more from a close family than mere wealth, education or material security, said Eton-educated David Cameron to think tank Demos yesterday evening. "What matters most to a child’s life chances," said Mr Cameron, "is the warmth of their parenting. Research I'm not actually [...]
School head: Boys should be “realistic” about careers and fatherhood
SOLANAS, New Dworkin, Friday (NNN) — Teenage boys need to be taught a heavy dose of realism: that it may not be possible to be a perfect father and a career man, says Jill Berry, head teacher of Sir William Harpur school in Bedford and president of the Boys' Schools Association (BSA). About four-fifths of pupils in BSA schools will have [...]
Watford Council saves children from parents
CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate. "We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit [...]
Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher
THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents' welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher's new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent. "It's vitally important," said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children's broadcasting, "that I use the full range of my ability as an [...]
Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda
THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama's back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text. Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free [...]
A-levels outsourced to monkeys
GORDON OF THE JUNGLE, Watch Out For That Tree, Monday (NNN) — After a report by the Civitas think tank that "A-levels could be done by a monkey these days," British students have been hiring monkeys to do their homework for them while they engage in healthy outdoor activities and social interaction, usually involving White Lightning and [...]
Wikipedia reaches 3 million articles, stalls and dies
WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing. Palo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users [...]
World’s #4 website features “cunt” on front page
FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world's fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article "Gropecunt Lane," a mediæval English name for a town's prostitution district, on its front page today. "The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia," said Mark Pellegrini, the [...]
Students to finish degrees by “any means necessary”
REGISTRAR'S OFFICE, University of Bums on Seats, Wednesday (NNN) — The government is to set up an emergency fund to give students at risk of dropping out a chance to complete their degree online through the Open University. Those who wanted to do something substantive but who were close to failing will be redirected to more practically [...]
