‘Defence’ Archives
Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave
FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA. The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be "ecstasy," allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to "open up [...]
Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize
HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. "We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and [...]
Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack
DRAGON'S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter. "Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a [...]
Google repels Microsoft attack on London offices
VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A "wall of steel" Microsoft rocket attack on Google's London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft's overwhelming might. The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria [...]
West fights for democracy, justice and marital rape in Afghanistan
REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands' sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces. Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the [...]
Taliban publicises new “cute fluffy kittens” code of conduct
AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The code notes that "suicide attacks are not 'right on' and the Prophet probably wouldn't have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like [...]
Cyber attack could bring US military response
SNOW CRASH, The Metaverse, Wednesday (NNGadget) — US Air Force General Kevin Chilton, head of US Strategic Command, has said that attacks on the United States via the Internet could merit a conventional military response. "I don’t think you take anything off the table. We're particularly looking toward one group in Seattle." The [...]
Disks full of porn “sold to military”
MELLIE, Newcastle, Thursday (NNN) — Gigabytes and gigabytes of pornography and highly sensitive login details for gentleman's art sites were bought by a US military missile air defence base second-hand on eBay. The collected fine artworks of young women in a state of natural aesthetic presentation were found on a hard disk for the SPLORT [...]
North Korea demands UN apology
KIM'S HAPPY PLACE, Pyongyang, Wednesday (NNN) — North Korea has threatened to carry out nuclear missile tests unless the UN Security Council apologises for its "unseemly snickering" at their recent rocket launch falling into the sea. "The communications satellite was successfully launched and is fulfilling its mission, sending transmissions [...]
Al-Qaeda PR man convicted in fair and speedy trial
NOVEMBER SURPRISE, Pennsylvania, Monday (NNN) — Ali Hamza al-Bahlul, accused of being Osama Bin Laden's media secretary, has been convicted by a US military jury at the Guantánamo Bay detention centre. He is the second prisoner to face a war crimes trial under a specially-created system of military commissions that Republican [...]
