‘Defence’ Archives
Murdered children necessary to protect your freedom
NEWTOWN, Connecticut, Sunday (NTN) — Responsible gun owners have to fight back against the atheist liberal Obamunist Euro-weenie homosexuals who think murdered leftist children in any way justify taking away our guns, the fountain of our liberty. The Community-Organizer-In-Chief wants to take your guns, yes, yours, so he can finally bring [...]
UK plans cyber-weapons programme
HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain's defensive capability. "Cyber-Space," said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, "represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to [...]
Europe simulates total cyber war
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated "cyber attack," in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for "cyber security" while still using Windows. The simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing [...]
Pentagon: Wikileaks “has blood on its hands, unlike us”
MENTAX, Underground, Tuesday (NTN) — US military officials have condemned the latest war document release by Wikileaks as "potentially fatal to our credibility" and leading to 15,000 more officials spending time with their families than previously thought. "The faltering forces of hacker infidels," said the Pentagon's Minister of [...]
Cyber terrorism identified as major excuse for Olympics
MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated "cyber terrorists" are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics. Although the Coalition's National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as [...]
US military bans icky nasty game
SLIGHT INDISPOSITION STAR, Communal States of America, Saturday (NTN) — Medal of Honor, a popular video game that lets you play as the unAmerican team, has been banned from US military bases as "insensitive." After moral panics, including from UK Defense Secretary Liam Fotherington-Thomas — who issued official condemnation of the [...]
Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave
FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA. The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be "ecstasy," allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to "open up [...]
Obama attacks moon while receiving Peace Prize
HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. "We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and [...]
Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack
DRAGON'S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter. "Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a [...]
Google repels Microsoft attack on London offices
VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A "wall of steel" Microsoft rocket attack on Google's London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft's overwhelming might. The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria [...]
