‘Australia’ Archives
Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal
HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott's plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. "Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible." Mr Abbott's proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of [...]
AFACT v iiNet: Statement in full from the losing party
TIN PAN VALLEY, The Matrix, Wednesday (N! News) — Film companies today expressed their disappointment that the Federal Court found that iiNet was not using orbital mind control lasers to encourage copyright infringements by its customers on its network. Despite findings of copyright infringement by iiNet customers, pirate flags in their [...]
Jordan eats kangaroo’s anus
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity celebrity Katie "Jordan" Price has fulfilled her contractual obligations on I'm A Celebrity For God's Sake Kill Me Now by eating a kangaroo's anus. The star was placed through a series of humiliating trials by popular audience vote in which she was covered in cockroaches, had to count to ten [...]
Turnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership
MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the job. Mr Turnbull had angered many of his more conservative Liberal Party colleagues by such heresies as accepting the scientific view of [...]
Murdoch announces plan to cut off nose
AUSTRALIAN GLADIATORS, Sky None, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an exclusive interview with one of his employees, Rupert Murdoch announced that it was time to draw a line in the sand in his constant battle to frustrate freeloading consumers by scheduling extensive rhinoplasty. As the logical extension of his intent to improve monetization [...]
Google Maps shows nonexistent city “Perth”
ARGLETON, Lancashire, Saturday (NNN) — A Google Maps error has created a phantom city: "Perth" in Western Australia, in what is in fact a completely empty space. The mystery has locals so intrigued that a few have made the journey to the enigmatic spot. "I started to weave this amazing fantasy about the place," said one intrepid local [...]
Apple, Inc sues apples for trademark violation
ANOTHER INFINITE LOOP, Cupertino, Monday (NNN) — In its latest move to protect the consumer and, of course, its valuable intellectual property and reputation, Apple has brought a trademark violation suit in Australia against nature. "The violations are all over trees, sometimes orchards full of them," said Steve Jobs today. "And not a [...]
Kraft names new Vegemite: “Axle Grease Shit 2.0”
TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0. The winning name was submitted by Dean Robbins, 27, of 129 Cowle Street, [...]
Dannii Minogue quits Botox in favour of 240 volts
BRITAIN'S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles. Her decision comes [...]
World’s #4 website features “cunt” on front page
FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world's fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article "Gropecunt Lane," a mediæval English name for a town's prostitution district, on its front page today. "The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia," said Mark Pellegrini, the [...]
