‘Asia’ Archives
Pentagon releases bin Laden home movies
HOLLYWOOD, Washington, Saturday (NTN) — The Pentagon has released the home videos of Osama bin Laden, "a collection to horrify and stultify the hardest heart." The tapes include bin Laden at Alton Towers with his children in the late 1990s, dealing with several screaming toddlers, shouting that if they did not behave they would be going [...]
US beheads hydra, saving world from terrorism
CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan. Mr Obama said it was "the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now." The hydra's head was buried at sea, to prevent the [...]
Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave
FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA. The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be "ecstasy," allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to "open up [...]
PlayStation 3 trounces Xbox 360 for reliability
GUTEN TAG, Wii Geht's, Monday (NTN) — Sony has proudly announced a Playstation 3™ Holiday™, where all users are advised to go outside and play in the sunshine. "Have some fun! Talk to a human! Party like it's December 31st, 1999! Amazing 3D rendering!" The company had long battled in public perception with Microsoft's Xbox 360 [...]
Apple admits using subtle and precise child labour
PROFESSOR JOBS' SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS, Shenzhen, Sunday (NTN) — In its annual supplier report, Apple has admitted that its Chinese factories have employed children to build its gadgets. "Ones with a particularly refined sense of aesthetics." Apple revealed the sweatshop conditions inside the factories it uses. The child workers [...]
West fights for democracy, justice and marital rape in Afghanistan
REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands' sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces. Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the [...]
Taliban publicises new “cute fluffy kittens” code of conduct
AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The code notes that "suicide attacks are not 'right on' and the Prophet probably wouldn't have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like [...]
Iranian election: “Mission accomplished”
THE WHITE HOUSE, Tehran, Sunday (NNN) — Controversy reigns after the Iranian election on Saturday, in which incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected with a landslide 63% of the vote and returns from all districts precisely matched Government pre-poll predictions. Mr Ahmadinejad credits his win to democratic methods perfected [...]
Kim Jong-nam happy to stay well out of North Korean succession
INIQUITY, Macau, Tuesday (NNN) — Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son of North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, has confirmed reports of his younger brother Kim Jong-un succeeding his father, in an interview with Japanese NTV. "The appointment of a successor is totally my father's decision. Jong-un is certainly the man for the job. Chip off the old [...]
David Carradine dies, but not in wanking accident
SHAOLIN, Bangkok, Thursday (NNN) — Actor David Carradine has been found dead at age 72, quite definitely of a tragic suicide or horrifying murder, in the closet of a Thai hotel room with a rope around his neck and, apparently, other initially-unspecified parts of his body. Tributes poured in from around the world as publicity was issued [...]
