Science discredits itself, claims red wine might not be wonderful for health

THE KITCHEN, After work, Friday (NTN) — In a body blow to the credibility of the scientific process itself, a new Mayo Clinic study suggests that necking gallons of red wine might not be the finest and most defensible thing ever for your health.

Wine bottle wine glassDespite the fact that everyone knows — by common sense — that red wine is good for your heart, makes you live longer, contains anti-oxidants, right, and makes you cleverer and your boyfriend sexy, some idiots are claiming that res-res-verra-thing might not be great if you have too much. Whatever probably stupidly inadequate amount “too much” is.

You have to keep in mind, OK, that eighty percent of single medical studies are actually wrong. Eighty percent! And this is obviously one of them.

The researchers analyzed how reserva … resvah … the chemical reacted with “satellite cells” in muscles. Regeneration. They said it was good in small doses, which is obviously right, but bad in large ones, which is just stupidly wrong. I mean, really.

Res-thing is in chocolates, too, which just shows how good it is. I bet they’ll tell us we have to balance red wine versus chocolate or something. Fuckers.

This professor, right, Hans Degens, at Manchester Metropolitan Uni, said that ten micro … molar dose was the good amount. I expect that’s about a bottle. Maybe two. He didn’t mention chocolates, ‘cos he knew what was fucking good for him.

Oh, that fucker. That piece of shit. He brought the chocolate into it. Right. We’re going on a train trip. Bring the empties, we’ll need ’em.

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