Science discredits itself, claims red wine might not be wonderful for health

THE KITCHEN, After work, Friday (NTN) — In a body blow to the credibility of the scientific process itself, a new Mayo Clinic study suggests that necking gallons of red wine might not be the finest and most defensible thing ever for your health.

Wine bottle wine glassDespite the fact that everyone knows — by common sense — that red wine is good for your heart, makes you live longer, contains anti-oxidants, right, and makes you cleverer and your boyfriend sexy, some idiots are claiming that res-res-verra-thing might not be great if you have too much. Whatever probably stupidly inadequate amount “too much” is.

You have to keep in mind, OK, that eighty percent of single medical studies are actually wrong. Eighty percent! And this is obviously one of them.

The researchers analyzed how reserva … resvah … the chemical reacted with “satellite cells” in muscles. Regeneration. They said it was good in small doses, which is obviously right, but bad in large ones, which is just stupidly wrong. I mean, really.

Res-thing is in chocolates, too, which just shows how good it is. I bet they’ll tell us we have to balance red wine versus chocolate or something. Fuckers.

This professor, right, Hans Degens, at Manchester Metropolitan Uni, said that ten micro … molar dose was the good amount. I expect that’s about a bottle. Maybe two. He didn’t mention chocolates, ‘cos he knew what was fucking good for him.

Oh, that fucker. That piece of shit. He brought the chocolate into it. Right. We’re going on a train trip. Bring the empties, we’ll need ’em.

Cognitive illusion: Clickbait colour debate goes global

HOT HOT HOT, Cyberspice, Friday (FuzzBleed) — Some timewasting clickbait about the colour of a dress has become an Internet sensation, because not only is it Friday, but the idea of doing work at work fell by the wayside some time yesterday afternoon.

Generic woman in generic coffinThe music industry marketing marketers responsible sought views on Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter and anywhere else they could spam about whether the clickbait was gold and white, black and blue or RED. RED LIKE THE FREELY FLOWING BLOOD OF THE LAST MARKETER, STRUNG FROM A LAMPPOST BY THE GUTS OF THE LAST SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER.

The debate’s hash tag #TheClickbait is the top trending Twitter tag. Infosec Taylor Swift confirmed that the clickbait was in a quantum superposition and that Flash needed updating.

Scientists weighed in with detailed explanations of how human cognitive biases mean the most blatantly inane advertising material imaginable is still more interesting than spreadsheets.

“This was the best day of Twitter yet, which is saying so little I could type it with my forehead,” tweeted Matt Ford, national editor for The Atlantic, who probably had dreams once.

Shock study: 4 out of 5 British women are ugly and smell

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Monday (NTN) — In a SHOCKING new commissioned press release study, a full 79% of British women are disgusting skanks who don’t spend sufficiently on the study sponsor’s marvellous packaged beauty products.

Lily Allen spitting in a bikiniOnly 21% of “feeemales” take the time to shower or bath every day, two-thirds don’t remove makeup before bed when they come home smashed after a night out, and far too few spend actual money on the sponsor’s facial cleanse products. “Despite knowing the importance of a suitably elaborate skin care regime!” exclaimed study sponsor Maxine Flint. “We tell them often enough!

“It is so important to clean your face daily and moisturise to slow down the ageing process. Also, you need to pick your genes better.”

British women were unimpressed with the survey. “At least when I collapse unconscious in a skip at 4am, I redo my lippy when I crawl out. Gorra look presennable, innit. Also, vodka works like Febreze. Just need to splash enough on. ’Scuse me.” (vomits)

Meanwhile, here’s a stock image of an apparently-naked woman in the shower, with strategic soap bubbles, and a publicity shot of a skinny Z-list “celebrity” in a bikini under a waterfall, for genuine journalistic purposes.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Dakota Johnson admits taking home raunchy items from B&Q

SPILL IN AISLE 3, Homebase, Long Weekend (NTN) — Dakota Johnson has revealed she took items home from the set of Fifty Shades of Grey – including an ornamental flowerpot and a fifteen-foot length of 2×4.

Fifty Shades sexy drill womanShe also admitted to taking hot hot hot paintbrushes, grouting and that weird triple adapter to piggyback your dishwasher off your washing machine.

The hit documentary, directed by Sam Taylor Johnson, delves into the world of suburban debauchery, with couples going out and openly purchasing do-it-yourself home improvement materials. E. L. James’ erotic handyman how-to was originally written as fan fiction of the famous Haynes manual series.

25-year-old Johnson, who plays obedient household helper Anastasia Steele, said her biggest career sacrifice was that “now the whole world can see me dressed in overalls and cement-stained workboots.” She refused to be involved with fluffy dice, however.

Johnson also confirmed she will star in the second installment of the series, Fifty Shades of Beige.

Nestlé to mulch only organic, non-GMO babies from 2015

VEVEY, Suisse, Thursday (NTN) — Nestlé will be removing all artificial flavours and colours, like Red 40, Yellow 5 and Screaming Agony 666, from its chocolate candy products by the end of 2015, replacing them with the delicious tears of malnourished infants.

Death by chocolate“Nestlé is the world’s leading nutrition, health and — hold on, is this right? — wellness company, or the first world’s at least,” said Doreen Ida, Nestlé USA Confections & Snacks president.

Consumers have long surveyed as wanting food not to contain artificial colours, flavours, genetic modifications, DNA, microwaves, wifi, chemicals or atoms, apparently preferring to eat alchemical workings using only the four humours.

“We have consulted with Food Babe on a new process, using only pure, wholesome, organic and sustainably-farmed pain and suffering, guaranteed to be from poor people in a country that isn’t yours. We know you are fully willing to make sacrifices to improve your lifestyle, as long as those sacrifices are of other people halfway around the world.”

The nourishing tears of children dying in pain are the vital ingredient in the new process, preferably those gathered from tainted formula induced dysentery. “Obviously too foolish and dissolute to use safe Nestlé privatised water!” All babies are certified to have grown up in an environment with minimal quantities of artificial chemicals, electromagnetic radiation or modern allopathic medicines.

“We never compromise on taste. Maintaining the great taste and appearance consumers expect from the chocolate brands they know and love is our number-one priority. It is technically true that a mountain of suffering goes into every bite, but we’d never let that compete with your convenience. Nestlé: Good Food, Good Life. Yours, Anyway.”