Babies malicious little shits out to destroy you, scientists confirm

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.

Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.

Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.

“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”

The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”

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