GUTEN TAG, Wii Gehts, Wednesday (NTN) — Sony has revealed that the Playstation Network security breach, which compromised 24.6 million credit cards, was entirely the work of evil hackers from Anonymous, and nothing to do with their own incompetence, honest.
“We discovered a file making a clear reference to ‘Username unknown,’” the company said in a letter to the US Congress on Wednesday, “and a blank user icon which therefore was … anonymous! D’you see what that means? It means George Hotz and his hacker friends are loathsome criminal masterminds! So obviously we can’t be held liable for negligence in the face of forces like these. In conclusion, give us money.”
The letter details the company’s actions over the past two weeks. It says Sony acted with “care and caution” in deciding how to act and how long it thought it could get away without telling anyone. “We did not want to cause confusion and cause customers to take unnecessary actions, such as stopping their credit card payments to us.”
“We have suffered a very carefully planned, very professional, highly sophisticated criminal cyberattack, which has led to people committing the heinous hate crime of jailbreaking their PS3s. In accordance with our campaign contributions, we ask that you impose the death penalty for such offenses.”
The letter concluded that the breakin was quite definitely the work of Anonymous. “We were going to blame Al-Qaeda, but we figured after Monday that you probably wouldn’t buy that.”