CYBERSPICE, Goatse-By-Cam, Friday (NTN) — Facebook has announced “sophisticated algorithms” to monitor its users and detect clear signs of paedophilia such as not clicking on ads, not playing Farmville or taking holy orders.

The site analyses users’ actions and compares that behaviour to a standardised set of actions, such as intermittently but consistently hitting F5 during working hours and clicking on a sufficient number of O₂ advertisements. If behaviour is too far from normal mode, such as insufficient spending on extras in Petville, not installing the “Which Victim Of Facebook Phishing Are You?” application or use of Church Latin, the software will “degrade” the user’s experience, whipping them with sticks and deriding them as the worm they are.

Zoe fucking Hilton, previously of the NSPCC but now much further advanced in the paedo-scaremongering industry with new wizard wheeze the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre, called Facebook “a bunch of fucking nonces who smell of altars. If they don’t put a big fucking ‘CEOP’ button at least two hundred pixels on a side on each and every fucking Facebook page, they might as well be taking those kids into the confessional and brutally and graphically sodomising them personally and individually. And that’s Doctor Zoe fucking Hilton. And they won’t give us any fucking money, either. Which is a sure sign that Facebook are a pack of paedos. Paeee-dooos. Cunts.”

Actual children and teenagers, meanwhile, continued to lie about their ages, put up ridiculously Photoshopped pictures of themselves, send homemade porn to each other by text message and stab each other. “Gosh, I hope I don’t see any swear words on that ‘internet’ thing,” said KT Myspce, 14. “That would be horrid.”

Facebook is the world’s largest social network, with 400 million users a month, over two or three percent of whom can use a computer without risking serious injury.