GROUND ZERO, London EC1, Sunday (NTN) — The Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee is expected this week to halt its £200 billion blitz of quantitative easing, otherwise known as just printing money.

“Just printing money is a task of surgical precision,” said Mervyn King. “But we are enormously pleased that the economy has grown a massive 0.1 per cent, with inflation of only three per cent to get there. We’re sure your daughters can cope with you selling them on the streets just a few years longer.”

The Institute of Economic Affairs has called for just printing money to be extended by another £50 billion, to around 10 per cent of GDP, since inflation affects the rich far less than anyone else. The Ernst & Young ITEM Club has warned that the end of just printing money risks triggering a fresh slump in commercial property values, as if anyone had any new businesses to rent them for in the first place.

The US Federal Reserve issued a uncompromising warning on Friday about the “uncharted waters” the financial sector finds itself in following the recession, where people have actually noticed what they do for a living and have started carrying nooses around with them in case they meet a banker. “They’ve worked out that just printing money fucks them over too. Ixnay on the onusesbay!”

The pound sterling has been replaced in day-to-day consumer use with twigs and small rocks, as these currently have much greater practical exchange value. One-way holidays to Zimbabwe are also proving popular.