DO AS YOU PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — A three-year-old boy is the youngest known suspect in a British criminal inquiry.

“Little Johnny” Pleb, 3¼, who cannot be named, is the centre of a vast criminal enterprise in Strathclyde. He started his underworld network aged two and a half, gathering a gang of toddlers excluded from shops when their parents accidentally took them in wearing “hoodies” (a Class A drug, only available on doctor’s prescription to Olympic boxers and suicide bombers). They would whistle to signal to their daycare friends, who would rush in with the “bluds” from their “crew” and ransack all the sweets in sight. Being under the age of eight, they could not be prosecuted.

“This is a clear sign of the failure of Labour policy,” said Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling. “Broken Britain! Of course it’s broken, we’re not in power. The socialist propaganda inherent in CBeebies broadcasts such as Teletubbies and In The Night Garden manifests as festering aimlessless in our youth, bubbling up in a surge of criminality and moral decay. And Waybuloo — what in God’s name is that about? Does anyone understand that show? Including the writers? I know good childrens’ TV should look like it was produced on drugs, but that looks like it was made by an acid casualty who’d tried and failed to find Jesus. What on earth.”

“Little Johnny” Pleb is now under maximum security on the HMP Peterhead Naughty Step. “That’s life,” commented Esther Rantzen.

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