Pregnant women encouraged to drink up this month

2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping with Russell Brand.

Georgina Baillie is pregnant with Russell Brand’s two-headed love child and wants a damn drink“It has to be the good stuff,” said Dr Yvonne Kelly. “Merlot does well. A real ale child will be a beardy geek, though with a shorter beard if a girl. Vodka and smoke machines induce Georgina Baillie. Carling causes what we used to call ‘foetal alcohol syndrome’ but is actually just perfectly normal blithering stupidity and ugliness. Dom Perignon will produce an obnoxious braying lackwit and may explain Otis Ferry.”

Pregnant women across the land told the researchers to shut up and get out the bloody way as they bloody needed a drink bloody now and waddled off to the pub.

The Department of Health still maintains that avoiding alcohol altogether is the safest option during pregnancy. “We firmly believe that the female of the species should be assumed to be far too foolish to sensibly moderate its own behaviour,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, “and anyway, our arses are covered if we can blame the patient.”

Newspaper proprietors were most pleased to be able to run even more pictures of large breasts on apparently serious news stories, as long as there was a large belly in there too. Or not, if they couldn’t find a file photo in time.

Man is to blame for Antarctic temperature rise

NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NotScientist) — Scientists say they now have conclusive proof that global warming is due to man’s influence.

The man in question is Bob Mongler, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. Rapid and significant warming in both the Antarctic and Arctic can only have been caused by Bob’s influence, says the report in Nature Geoscience. Bob is the cause of significant warming over both polar regions since 2000.

Bin Through The DesertGreenhouse gases from Bob are the main driver of the change, along with Friday night curries, chemicals and particles of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. He also drives a 4×4, reads the Daily Mail and drinks Stella.

“We tried large simulations of natural climate change to see if we could obtain the same results,” said Dr Peter Stott of the Met Office, “but it couldn’t be done. It is only when you factor in this thoughtless prat’s influence that you achieve these results. With Bob’s influence the findings are consistent and predictable. Without it they are not.”

“It’s not clear what we can do about this wanker,” said Dr Nathan Gillett of the University of East Anglia. “His wife is actually worse, you know.” Mr Mongler mumbled something about asylum seekers and political correctness gone mad.

Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand collide with delayed journalistic August

TELEVISION CENTRE, W12, Tuesday (NNN) — National outrage was sparked by a moment’s idiocy on the part of Jonathan Woss and Wussell Bwand a few weeks ago when the newspapers ran out of stories about Big Brother contestants, skateboarding ducks and what your breasts mean to fill the spaces between pronouncements of economic doom.

BBC White City StocksThe incident occurred when, in a terrible lapse of judgement, a radio producer let Mr Ross and Mr Brand behave on-air in the manner they had been hired to. It is understood that Brand made the slanderous suggestion that he had in fact managed to get it up at least once whilst going out with Georgina Baillie.

“I am mortified,” said Ms Baillie, “at the number of half-page photos of my smile and cleavage in the papers and the many impending offers of work. Just mortified.”

The BBC has suspended the two presenters for embarrassing director general Mark Thompson.

“In these dark, Maddie-free days,” thundered all papers, “this sort of obscenity against a member of the Satanic Sluts cannot be countenanced. Suspension is hardly sufficient. The British sense of justice and fair play will not be satisfied until they are castrated by a baying crowd, pursued through the street on horseback with dogs, hanged by the neck outside White City until dead and their foul corpses left there to fester for at least a month. We pay our licence fees!

“I denounce these despicable demagogues of dull-wittedness, whoever they are,” thundered Gordon Brown, with a Prime Minister’s sense of what it means when Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey comments on a public issue from her editorial column on page three of The Sun. David Cameron blamed ten years’ financial ineptitude from Labour and vowed that the Tories would be tough on Brand and tough on the causes of Brand.

Chancellor Alistair Darling counseled caution, however, warning that the credit crunch would almost certainly lead to difficulty in securing sufficient teapots for a really good tempest.

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Teenage cyber-criminals run riot

YOUNG ADUWTS, Nozin’ Around, Monday (NNGadget) — A new generation of “online hoodies” is wreaking havoc in cyberspace, Internet security touts are warning.

You should have been running OpenBSD, daddyThe hackers, some as young as 12, begin by breaking into newspaper production systems and replacing news of substance with ridiculous headlines such as “Scientists discover breasts cause cancer,” “Sexism confirmed by evolutionary biologists,” “Sarah Palin exists” or “Online hoodies stalking the web” in an attempt to outrage people into clicking on them.

When they do, the ridiculous message promptly causes a buffer overload in the reader’s brain, filling it with an overflow of nonsense and causing them to think such ideas are reasonable, sane and even interesting. In the final stages of an infection, the victim clicks repeatedly on TMZ, hoping for upskirt shots of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.

Hacker “wins” of late have included breaking into the Republican National Committee and replacing its phone scripts with patently insane slanders and mudslinging against Barack Obama, and engineering the hilarious placement of an idiot Alaskan redneck as a Vice-Presidential candidate.

“We need them out on the streets,” said Kevin Hogan of Symantec, “using their energy and practicing their running, route-planning and knife skills, not sitting at home getting obese.”

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Feds disrupt idiot plot to kill Obama

Federal agents have broken up an incredibly stupid plot by two neo-Nazi idiots to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 102 black people, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, Tequila, Other Cool Shit That Goes “BANG” And Other Great Ideas That Go Together Really Well said Monday.

Zionist Barack ObamaThe morons, Daniel Cowart, 20, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, had planned to rob a gun store (“a black-run store should be a pushover for superior white people,” one of them had written on the White Nationalist Wiki) and target a predominantly African-American high school in a murder spree that was to begin in Tennessee. They had planned to shoot 88 black people (“88” standing for “Hey, Hussein!”) and decapitate another 14 (from the 14-word phrase “we must secure the existence of drooling subnormals and a future for white slackjaws”).

The incompetents were caught when driving around loudly discussing a White Power murder plot, their car sporting a swastika in window chalk and other race hate symbols, this striking them as a good way to avoid the attention of the authorities. And a MySpace page loaded with pictures of guns.

The dumbasses had been hampered in their plans by having been out of work for three months, having been targeted by the Jewish financial conspiracy.

In a statement today, Mr Obama said that his leadership of the Zionist Occupation Government of the Judaic North American Territories would ensure a better future for all Americans, except mouth-breathing white supremacists with family trees resembling briar bushes.

US Army: “RT @304thMIbattalion: Twitter terrorist weapon”

OMG, Onoez, Sunday (NNN) — A report by the US Army 304th Military Intelligence Battalion identifies Internet technologies such as Twitter as potential TERRORIST tools.

Osama bin MobyTwitter users reported the July Los Angeles earthquake faster than news outlets, and TERRORISTS protesting at the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis used it to provide information on police movements.

Other technologies were also examined for their TERRORIST uses. “Email could be used for TERRORIST messages, the anonymous troll comments on Slashdot could be used for TERRORIST data exchange and GPS trackers could be used to find our asses. We are also examining the dangers of YouTube pratfall videos, cat macros, pencils and paper and carefully modulated flatulence. Extra funding has been allocated for research into TERRORIST messages on MP3 and pornographic websites and BitTorrent tracker lists.

“There is terrible, terrible danger that if people can communicate they may say something TERRORIST,” said the report. “As such, our forces are securing the offices of Twitter with the aim of trying its financial backers for funding TERRORISM. We only hope our plans are not—”

The report cut off at this point, replaced by a Fail Whale.

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Sweet white young Republican volunteer attacked by large scary colored person, gets a “B” for effort

LYNCHBURG, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — A Republican campaign volunteer in Pittsburgh was mugged on Wednesday by a 6’4″ black man after he saw her “McCain” bumper sticker. The attacker carved a backward ‘B’ on her face and gave her a black eye made of mascara.

Ashley Todd in blackface“A giant scary Negro left-handed oddly dexterous and precise dyslexic mugger!” said Ashley Todd, 20. “He was shouting angry racial slogans like ‘change’ and ‘audacity of hope’ and ‘yes we can.’ He was precisely six-four, ’cause if he’d been six-three I’d have kicked his ass.”

In police questioning, Ms Todd confirmed that “the attacker was super-duper-ultra-extra black. I think he was Muslim, gay and married too.”

After admitting to police that the incident failed to meet the criteria of the reality-based community, Ms Todd has been taken into mental health care. However, true to her Republican ideals, she is paying for it out of her own pocket, rather than using taxpayer money.

“Jesus, Karl,” said Aaron Sorkin, “if I tried sending this shit in I’d get laughed out of the studio.”

Alan Greenspan: “whoops sorry lol”

GLASS CRATER, Wall Street, Thursday (NNN) — The former Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, has conceded that the global financial crisis has exposed a “mistake” in the free market ideology which guided his 18-year stewardship of US monetary policy.

Fountainhead Earth by A. Yn Rand, starring Alan Greenspan“I’m in shocked disbelief,” said Greenspan, 82. “When you set up the market so it rewards sociopathically greedy short-term behavior, you end up with lunatic fraudsters playing the system so hard they break it. Who’da thunk?”

The US treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, admitted he ought to have anticipated a meltdown in the US mortgage industry, considering he was working at a company furiously pushing sub-prime mortgages. “I’m not saying I would have done anything differently,” he added, leaving people wondering quite what his point was.

“I’m very troubled by all this,” said Greenspan. “I’ll have to go back and reread Fountainhead Earth until the doubt calms. I don’t understand where Ayn Rand led me astray.

“But I did discover a new book last week. Have you heard of it? Dianetics. Absolutely fascinating.”

Science reveals evolutionary origins of gender stereotypes

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Morning Commuter Time (NNN) — British scientists have uncovered why little girls like pink toys. “Women are hardwired to like pink,” says Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro, “because their cavewoman foremothers spent their days gathering red leaves and berries amongst the trees.” Later, women needed to notice red-faced babies and blushing boyfriends. Men are attracted to blue because of the colour of the sky as seen when hunting.

Raquel Welch in One Million Years BCWomen are also predisposed to backstab one another in the workplace and cry in the boardroom, just like the social structures in the cave population as extrapolated from these two bone needles. Being too successful will increase women’s testosterone, giving them hairy nipples and male-pattern baldness. Females joining the hunt may also explain the end of the Neanderthals.

IQ test studies show that women have lower IQs on average than men, undoubtedly from lesser need for environmental variation while taking care of the cave. Tests on little boys prove that testosterone correlates with a sense of humour, which is why women just can’t take a joke. Housework has been shown to cut the risk of several fatal diseases, and dressing up nicely around the house is psychologically healthy as it uses the Homo erectus clan maintenance abilities of the female of the tribe.

Men are naturally predisposed to sleep with as many women as possible, as proven by lions, whereas women are naturally predisposed to stay loyal to their man and their spawn. Women who sleep around are at increased risk of parasites and death, as proven by cheetahs, who are a pack of catty sluts.

In a final crowning achievement, the team has shown that daily fellatio greatly reduces the incidence of breast cancer. Furthermore, regular sexual intercourse is essential to feminine health, but may be injurious if prolonged for more than two minutes or conducted while the man is sober.

“In conclusion,” says Professor Hunt, “all of this is top-notch science that you can absolutely rely on. Now get your knickers back on and make me a cuppa.”

McCain campaign looking for way to win without votes

MAN ON FIVE, Cook County, Monday (NNN) — The McCain campaign is looking at an Electoral College strategy heading into the final two weeks that has virtually no room for error.

“Democrat voting fraud is famous since Tammany Hall,” says Republican strategist Karl Rove. “So we’ll win without votes.”

Hanging ChadVoting machines have been remotely reset and the counts adjusted. “Diebold have come to the party big time.” Touch screen machines for West Virginia early voting offer voters “McCAIN” or “REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER.”

The rolls will be thoroughly checked for voter fraud. “If the typeface or font size is different on their driver’s licence, Social Security or the voter roll, that’s obvious blatant fraud. A typical Liberal knife to the heart of democracy.”

The party will check for dead voters as well. “We’re making the safe assumption that all registered Democrats are dead. If they’re not, we’ll correct that.” Governor Palin has long dealt with Democrat moose in Alaska. “You betcha!”

All residents of properties whose mortgages were underwritten by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac will be assumed to have voted Republican. “We own the houses, of course we own the votes. It’s nonsense to say otherwise.”

Finally, under USA-PATRIOT, Obama supporters will be deemed associates of associates of terrorists. The offence will carry a penalty of one day’s imprisonment: November 4th.

Mr Rove is confident in the future of our democracy. “One man, one vote. That man being me.”

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