WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.
The study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.
“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.
The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”
A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.
The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”
Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Tuesday (NTN) — TalkTalk and BSkyB are building their own fibre network in York to deliver the most unreliable, limited and filtered Internet service seen in Britain to date.
TalkTalk chief Dido Harding said: “We are going to deliver a pure fibre network that will deliver speeds of 1 gigabit per second direct to homes and businesses in York … within the fair use bandwidth allowance, and duly filtered against rudeness, unpleasantness and copyright violations.”
The “state of the art” network will have superfast connections to tens of thousands of homes and businesses, with full clear speed guaranteed by not actually letting people see anything they want to. Filters against porn, health information, gays, music, telly, unpleasantness, Wikipedia and gays will be on by default — though any customer will be able to opt out by putting an advertisement in their local newspaper announcing “I AM A VILE WHOREMONGER” for thirty days.
Virgin Media are not standing still. Computers on a Virgin cable connection will issue an electric shock through the keyboard whenever a customer attempts to access a filtered site. The company will automatically forward the customer’s address to the Internet Watch Foundation and the British Phonographic Institute.
TalkTalk customers frequently express outrage at the Internet provider’s censorship mechanisms, though not enough outrage to actually pay a penny more to go somewhere else.
DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Monday (Sky None) — Rebekah Brooks, former editor of The Sun and News of the Filth, will retire from journalism and take up writing fan fiction.
“I feel journalism in our super soaraway style is completely out of fashion,” she said under oath in the Old Bailey today. “It’s time to go back to the Chilterns, fire up Tumblr and do something worthwhile and lasting.”
Planned works include:
- Tom Riddle and the Poisoned Chalice: Lady Rebekah Voldemort, the heroine, battles a horrid little oik called Nick Potter, who is allied with Lady Rebekah’s old enemy Dumblebridger, headmaster of the Auto Trader Media Group.
Star Trek IV: The Search For Milly: spunky young red-haired and red-shirted Ensign Rebekah Crusher hacks into the captain’s son’s tricorder. Captain Mary-Sue Brooks laughs indulgently at these hijinks and concurs that they are entirely justifiable on grounds of press freedom.
Oh Bugger Get Me Out Of This One, Jeeves: A lighthearted romp through 2010s Edwardian Britain, with comic-relief idle-rich idiot aristocrat Bertie Cameron and his “gentleman’s personal gentleman” Andy Jeeves. Bertie flutters about incompetently with the highly eligible young Rebekah Wadehouse, but it turns out she’s been copping off with Jeeves.
Mrs Brooks has also been working on original stories. “I came up with a good one — this wizened creature who’s got hold of a ring of huge power that corrupts everyone who comes near it and makes him near-immortal in a diseased and twisted form, and he calls it ‘moy preciousssss, mate. Bewdy.’ But apparently it’s been done.”
LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.
Three times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.
He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.
Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.
In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”
He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”
TEBBITT, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is to investigate claims that public money was used by Conservative thinktank the Policy Research Unit to do something that did not involve harming other people.
A senior aide is claimed to have booked a hotel suite at a conference, then used this “internet” witchcraft to invite young men to the room, saying “I’m up here with the Tory Party and have some great young policies in my suite.” The men then did what Tories usually do but — in violation of all Party standards — upon consenting subjects.
A spokesman said IPSA was “deeply worried” by the claims, but noted that, as a gay orgy, it was at least unlikely to lead to further Tory reproduction.
The Daily Mail attempted to link the incident to the unrelated trial of Nigel Evans, who it said should quit anyway due to his complete acquittal on all charges apparently having left his careers in ruins. The paper made sure to use the word GAY at least twice in each paragraph.
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.
Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.
Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.
“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”
The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”
SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.
The bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.
The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.
MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.
Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.
KER-PLUNKET, New Zealand, Tuesday (NZN) — Prince George will have his debut public engagement tomorrow at a parent and baby group in the colonies — meeting all manner of social inferiors.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will take their eight-month-old son to a playgroup at Government House in Wellington. All of the babies have been security-screened and ideologically vetted.
It will be the first time that the third in line to the throne has undertaken a public duty — but it won’t be the last, in a lifetime of workfare.
The lucky ten families chosen to meet the Cambridges spoke of their excitement and hopes that George’s aura would heal their scrofula. Kate Bainbridge, 29, a tax accountant, said, “It’s not quite the thaumaturgic royal touch of the actual monarch, but in these more socially equitable modern times the third in line should still have a statistically significant effect greater than placebo. I’ve had a few jealous looks from other parents when they found out our Sophie would never need vaccination again.
“Even though we come from a very different background, we have got a lot in common with the Duke and Duchess, such as the same number of limbs and heads. Though our gene pool is a little wider.”
Also meeting the royal visitors will be a breeding pair of token gay fathers, Jared and Ryan Mullen, and their daughter Isabella, because we’re all enlightened now and browse the web with Chrome.
Philip Gray, 40, said he will be the third generation of his family to meet a royal visitor. “We have records going back a number of years. The limb and head count has remained consistent over the decades, although reliable measurements of the intensity of the healing aura are difficult to obtain.
“Maybe one day our daughter Isabella will met Prince George’s children in turn and further advance our understanding of these fascinating creatures. You’d almost believe they’re human sometimes.”
THE WHITE ROOM, Trancentral, Thursday (NTNME) — The illegal party drug ketamine is an “exciting” and “dramatic” new treatment for depression, say doctors who waited about two decades too long before conducting the first trials in the UK.
The single small study has attracted due caution from evidence-based medicine experts, since 80% of single studies turn out to be in error. However, middle-aged doctors and researchers who feel they didn’t get out enough in their youth are clamouring to do multiple large-scale replications of the study, probably this weekend.
The findings open up whole new avenues of research. “It’s the sort of thing really that makes it worth doing psychiatry,” said lead researcher Dr Rupert McShane, or, as he now calls himself, DJ Rupie McK-Hole. “Can we get back into trials on LSD yet? I understand there’s also considerable clinical possibilities for the therapeutic qualities of sequences of repetitive beats, MDMA and the possibility of shagging cute raver chicks like the ones I remember.”
The duration of the effect is still a problem. “We’ll have to make sure we repeat the trials next weekend and the weekend after as well. For science and verifiability.”
JOHN CAGE MATCH, Praxis, Wednesday (NTN) — The Wu-Tang Clan has announced the nonrelease of their new album Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, to be made available in an edition of no copies.
“Music is a commodity these days and we want it treated as art,” said RZA. “The LP record you listened to reverently at home gave way to the portable cassette and CD, and now the copiable and disposable MP3. But the rarer the art, the better. So we’re making the album available as no copies whatsoever. It’s artier that way.”
MODAL LOGIC PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHAOLIN
(I) The existence of a perfect Wu-Tang album does not necessarily entail the existence of gratuitous suffering.
(II) If a perfect Wu-Tang album is possible, then said perfect album necessarily exists (given axiom S5 of modal logic).
(III) The perfect Wu-Tang album is possible. (This is a logical consequence of (I).)
(IV) The perfect Wu-Tang album necessarily exists (modus ponens on (II) and (III).
(V) Therefore, the apparently-nonexistent album does in fact exist, and you should pay real money for it.
The album will be unavailable as a double blank CD-R, though the band is considering refusing to offer it on blank LP and blank cassette as well. An MP3 of silence will also be withheld, as will an Apple Lossless download of silence from iTunes. The first video, “ ”, is not up on YouTube and Vimeo in the form of four minutes’ silence and a blank screen.
The album failed to be recorded at home by the band over the past several years. “Art only suffers from excessive physical realisation. In fact, the more physical realisation, the further the art falls from the perfection of the conception. So what we did was stay home in bed and think really hard about what the record should sound like. Frankly, it’s amazing. Well, we think it would be.”
The band hopes to get five meeellion dollarsss for this conceptual work. “We firmly believe that art — art! — should not suffer the petty, tawdry, bourgeois constraints of genre, media gatekeepers, critics, quality or existence. But the absolutely key point — which we’re completely clear on — is that it should be paid for with actual money.”