Scientists: Tony Abbott evolved to have a punchable face

OLDUVAI GORGE, Warringah, Monday (NTN) — A new theory suggests that Tony Abbott’s ancestors evolved remarkably punchable facial features, accounting for people’s deep desire to do so today.

Tony Abbott getting punched in the faceThe bones most commonly broken in prehistoric Liberal Party punch-ups gained the most strength in early “conservative” evolution. They are also the bones that show most divergence between Liberals and Nationals.

The paper, in the journal Guardian Australia, argues that the reinforcements evolved amid fighting over females and resources, in which communication by kicking each other’s heads drove key policy changes.

Fossil records show that Australopithecus menzieii had strikingly robust facial structures. This was long seen as an adaptation to a tough diet including nuts, seeds and Malcom Turnbull’s balls. But more recent findings suggest that violent intra-party competition was the cause: the “protective buttressing hypothesis”.

Interestingly, the evolutionary descendants of Australopithecus — including more left-leaning humans — have displayed less and less facial buttressing. “Human arms and upper bodies are not nearly as strong as those found in Liberal Party members,” said the author, Prof David Carrier, dusting off his gloves.

Studies from Canberra emergency wards show that faces are particularly vulnerable to violent injuries, many self-inflicted from being banged against desks when Coalition policy proposals reach the news.

“The historical record goes back a short time, but anatomy holds clues as to what selection was important, what behaviours were important; and so it gives us important information about what caveman notion Mr Abbott is going to come out with next.”

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Future advanced cyborg human emulations to keep being arseholes

JETSON, Bay Area, the future (H Minus) — Scientists, or self-taught philosophers who’ve heard of science anyway, predict a dazzling future for humanity — in which our computer-augmented future selves, in a world of endless plenty, keep being shits to each other.

"Rational story, bro" robotAn advanced computer-managed economy will do all the jobs, building our homes, 3D-printing our iPhones and nano-assembling our food. Wanting for nothing, people will at last be free to assert their essential humanity and complain bitterly about everything.

Genetic engineering will give us new bodies and an indefinite lifespan. Whole-brain emulation will let those who would have died go on as personalities living in computers. In the future, fuckwits will be with you forever.

We will live in fabulously diverse harmony and break the cycle of every new technology first being used to murder each other. This will include those thoroughly deserving of murder, particularly the endless identical instances of irritating hippie emulations blathering about cosmic oneness.

Cryogenically-preserved humans from the twenty-first century will have their frozen brains read by nanobots so their personalities can be run as programs. To avoid future shock, they will be put to work in a computer-simulated office job, and be reset each morning. For comfort and familiarity, each person-emulation will be given a helpful companion program, called “Clippy.”

A benevolent artificial superintelligence will run the world, for the good of all humanity. To maximise utilitarian value across the quantum wave function of the universe, “Roko’s femilisk” will regrettably have to punish emulations of those who complained that they found Tumblr social justice warriors’ intolerance of intolerance “triggering.” Please donate to help achieve this.

Given the opportunity for a world of unlimited creative freedom and enjoyment, we can be certain that humanity will not rest until it has turned this infinitely bountiful paradise into something even shittier than modern-day capitalism.

The Singularity will elevate the human condition to nasty, brutish and long. An emulation of Thomas Hobbes will, however, buy that for a bitcoin.

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How our Daily Mail reporter got fish and bread from the claimed messiah — no questions asked

ASSOCIATED BLACKSHIRTS, Ninth Bolgia, Easter Sunday (Daily Mail) — Our reporter ROSS SLATER, who had dreams once, arrived at the REMOTE PLACE that a Mr. JESUS BEN JOSEPH had gone, to enquire about FISH and the possibility of BREAD.

“BRB LOL”He explained he was UNEMPLOYED and was strapped for cash and food and that his wife had left her job and was not earning. In an OUTRAGE against common decency, Mr. ben Joseph told him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, and that he trusted this apparently WORKSHY and PROBABLY DISABLED SCROUNGER.

From there the reporter simply joined the queue with five thousand other PARASITES upon good working people such as yourselves and got himself some lovely pilchard sandwiches.

After inviting the reporter to help himself, the volunteers irresponsibly wished him a HAPPY EASTER.

Senior Tory MP Brian Binley welcomed the investigation, saying he had “always been very suspicious” of food banks, being as he is a loathsome blot on the human gene pool. It is alleged (by the Daily Mail) that many of the leeching scum are ASYLUM SEEKERS, who should be living on air as Pontius Cameron has decreed.

Slater, who would kill himself if he wasn’t already dead, will next — after a pause to solicit pictures of little girls on Twitter — be investigating the NHS, where he will go through CHEMOTHERAPY on the public purse — for FREE! — just to prove what thieving bastards CANCER PATIENTS really are.

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Artists’ beards evolved to be “structurally different”

WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.

Breasts and their real ale JordanThe study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.

“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.

The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”

A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.

The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”

Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”

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TalkTalk and Sky to bring completely shit fibre Internet to York

TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Tuesday (NTN) — TalkTalk and BSkyB are building their own fibre network in York to deliver the most unreliable, limited and filtered Internet service seen in Britain to date.

Scorpions “Virgin Killer” in LegoTalkTalk chief Dido Harding said: “We are going to deliver a pure fibre network that will deliver speeds of 1 gigabit per second direct to homes and businesses in York … within the fair use bandwidth allowance, and duly filtered against rudeness, unpleasantness and copyright violations.”

The “state of the art” network will have superfast connections to tens of thousands of homes and businesses, with full clear speed guaranteed by not actually letting people see anything they want to. Filters against porn, health information, gays, music, telly, unpleasantness, Wikipedia and gays will be on by default — though any customer will be able to opt out by putting an advertisement in their local newspaper announcing “I AM A VILE WHOREMONGER” for thirty days.

Virgin Media are not standing still. Computers on a Virgin cable connection will issue an electric shock through the keyboard whenever a customer attempts to access a filtered site. The company will automatically forward the customer’s address to the Internet Watch Foundation and the British Phonographic Institute.

TalkTalk customers frequently express outrage at the Internet provider’s censorship mechanisms, though not enough outrage to actually pay a penny more to go somewhere else.

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Rebekah Brooks quits journalism to write fan fiction

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Monday (Sky None) — Rebekah Brooks, former editor of The Sun and News of the Filth, will retire from journalism and take up writing fan fiction.

Rebekah Brooks (Wade) of Slytherin“I feel journalism in our super soaraway style is completely out of fashion,” she said under oath in the Old Bailey today. “It’s time to go back to the Chilterns, fire up Tumblr and do something worthwhile and lasting.”

Planned works include:

  • Tom Riddle and the Poisoned Chalice: Lady Rebekah Voldemort, the heroine, battles a horrid little oik called Nick Potter, who is allied with Lady Rebekah’s old enemy Dumblebridger, headmaster of the Auto Trader Media Group.

  • Star Trek IV: The Search For Milly: spunky young red-haired and red-shirted Ensign Rebekah Crusher hacks into the captain’s son’s tricorder. Captain Mary-Sue Brooks laughs indulgently at these hijinks and concurs that they are entirely justifiable on grounds of press freedom.

  • Oh Bugger Get Me Out Of This One, Jeeves: A lighthearted romp through 2010s Edwardian Britain, with comic-relief idle-rich idiot aristocrat Bertie Cameron and his “gentleman’s personal gentleman” Andy Jeeves. Bertie flutters about incompetently with the highly eligible young Rebekah Wadehouse, but it turns out she’s been copping off with Jeeves.

Mrs Brooks has also been working on original stories. “I came up with a good one — this wizened creature who’s got hold of a ring of huge power that corrupts everyone who comes near it and makes him near-immortal in a diseased and twisted form, and he calls it ‘moy preciousssss, mate. Bewdy.’ But apparently it’s been done.”

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David Cameron claims membership in humanity in Easter message

LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.

David Cameron's TerminatorThree times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.

He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.

Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.

In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”

He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”

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Outrage as Tories spend public money screwing each other rather than you

TEBBITT, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is to investigate claims that public money was used by Conservative thinktank the Policy Research Unit to do something that did not involve harming other people.

Margaret Thatcher condomA senior aide is claimed to have booked a hotel suite at a conference, then used this “internet” witchcraft to invite young men to the room, saying “I’m up here with the Tory Party and have some great young policies in my suite.” The men then did what Tories usually do but — in violation of all Party standards — upon consenting subjects.

A spokesman said IPSA was “deeply worried” by the claims, but noted that, as a gay orgy, it was at least unlikely to lead to further Tory reproduction.

The Daily Mail attempted to link the incident to the unrelated trial of Nigel Evans, who it said should quit anyway due to his complete acquittal on all charges apparently having left his careers in ruins. The paper made sure to use the word GAY at least twice in each paragraph.

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Babies malicious little shits out to destroy you, scientists confirm

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms.

Furthermore, evolution, which is an utter utter bastard, is directly responsible for the child puking and shitting randomly in difficult-to-reach places when very young, and putting bananas into the DVD player of your desktop computer when older.

Professor David Haigh said babies are most likely to wake in the night around six months, “though they’re certainly no slouches before then.” The exhaustion and sleeplessness is intended to have a contraceptive effect, leaving you swearing never to have sex again. Assuming your fertility has survived the uncannily accurate kicks to the genitals.

“We believe the ‘baby’ is in fact a variety of soul-sucking wasp that literally subsists on human kindness and decency, turning it into semi-liquid yellow-brown faeces. And malice.”

The instinct likely developed over thousands of years. “We didn’t have DVD players in ancient times, but that just shows how planned out the little arseholes’ evil really is. There are also important unanswered questions concerning the Dark Lord Justin Fletcher’s involvement in the matter.”

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Tories fall to “Arsebleed” security hole

SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.

ArsebleedThe bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.

The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.

MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.

Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.

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a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder